Previously in Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Michael and Ernie are reunited after Michael reads his mother’s diaries and realises how devoted the couple were. Anthony tells Ernie that he is not capable of looking after himself and insists that he spends a couple of weeks staying with him before making any decision about where he is to live.

Sandra is devastated to learn from her husband, Tim, that although their marriage remained unconsummated, he has been seeing another woman. Sandra confides in Jessie who persuades her that she should talk it through with him. When she rings his work and he is not there, Sandra believes that he has left her but a check at their house shows none of his belongings are missing. She then presumes the worst and her and Jessie embark on a search for Tim. Meanwhile, after having returned home to find her gone, Tim is frantically searching for Sandra. When they finally catch up with each other, they argue. Despite his protestations, Sandra is not convinced that she can trust him and decides to go away to give herself time to think. Tim surprises her by turning up at the hotel, eventually persuading her to give him a second chance.

Charlene is taken on temporarily at Samms Plant Hire and is attacked by Gemma for taking her job. Afraid that she will be sacked for retaliating and fighting back, a tearful Charlene turns down the permanent job that Nathan offers. Gemma’s father drags her into the office to apologise for the assault and Nathan learns the truth behind Charlene’s reluctance. When he makes the offer of the job again, Charlene accepts.

Kester has told Helen that he had fallen in love with her but Helen’s reaction seems lukewarm. Harriet advises him to talk to her.

Leonie’s unfriendliness towards Helen continues.

Vince Wilson’s visit to apologise and to thank him for helping uncover the truth about what was going on behind his back is met with cool contempt from Nathan

Pennywell, Bower Lane

‘Chinese…Hope that’s ok’ Kester lifts two small brown paper carrier bags in one hand and offers Helen a bottle of wine with the other ‘Chateau Plonk’ He wipes his feet on the doormat as he steps into the hall.

‘Both sound fine’ Helen takes the bottle and looks at the label ‘Not exactly plonk. This didn’t come from the village supermarket’ she comments wryly

‘I went into Woodbury for the Chinese. I got it there’

‘I see….Go through. I’ll get the plates, they’re warming’ She hovers at the doorway to the sitting room. ‘On our laps or shall I lay the table?’

‘Laps….but we need to talk first don’t we?’

‘We do?’

‘We do’

‘Can’t we do that while we eat?’

Kester walks past her and into the kitchen ‘Yes…we could…but I don’t think I could enjoy it until I’ve found out exactly what’s bothering you’

‘Nothing’s bothering me’ Helen says as Kester puts the foil dishes in the oven alongside the plates to keep warm.

‘That’s bollocks, Helen and you know it, something’s upset you and I think it’s me. You look awful’

‘Thank you, I’m sure’ Helen retaliates. ‘I’m tired. I told you that!’

‘Yes…you’re tired. You’re not sleeping. It’s why you’re not sleeping that bothers me. You were quiet all the way home the other night’

‘You weren’t exactly talkative!’ Helen snaps back.

‘No…I know’ Kester sighs ‘I couldn’t take back what I’d said and I knew from the way you reacted it wasn’t what you wanted to hear but I didn’t think it would upset you this much.’

‘You told me to forget it! How could I forget something like that?’

‘You can’t, you’re right. I’m sorry’ he says awkwardly. ‘So that’s it then?’ he asks.

‘It?’

‘Helen, it’d be great if we can still be friends, …but I don’t want you losing any more sleep worrying over how to tell me that's all it is…’ Kester puts his hand against her cheek, his thumb brushing the shadowy tiredness under her eye. ‘All it ever could be… a friendship. I’ll live. Don’t worry. Do you want me to go?’

‘Go?’ Helen’s brow furrows.

‘Yes’ He drops his hand ‘If I make you feel awkward…which I seem to be doing right now, perhaps it might be best’

‘Didn’t you listen to ANYTHING I said that night?’ she responds waspishly.

‘Of course I did…and that’s why it was a mistake. It was too soon…far too soon’ Kester groans, running a hand through his hair and turning away. He stands with both hands on the back of a dining chair, leaning over it as he takes a few seconds to gather his thoughts. He looks back. ‘I screwed up. I never meant to say anything, let alone blurt it out like that. There’s trying to convince you what we’d got was never a joke and there’s going too far’ He faces her again ‘You weren’t exactly relaxed anyway, worrying about what I was thinking, worrying about how you should act. All I succeeded in doing was making it worse. Look at you!’ he says, tracing the outline of her face with the tip of his fingers. ‘This isn’t what I want. I don’t want you making yourself ill over it but there’s no way back, I can’t unsay it’

Helen takes a step back. ‘Did I say that wasn’t what I wanted? Did I say that was why I haven’t been sleeping? You can be so…. arrogant at times!’ she says angrily.

‘Then what? Come on!’ Kester flushes with annoyance.

‘You tell me you love me with some sort of throwaway line then what? Nothing! I get told to forget it and then absolute silence. I’m sorry you thought it was a mistake, I’m sorry you’ve decided that it’s best we don’t see each other…’

‘When did I decide that?’ Kester’s voice rises to match hers. ‘I don’t want to stop seeing you…What I want is for you to be honest with me and stop worrying about it. If it’s no more than a friendship you’re looking for, then tell me! You could’ve said that the other night and saved all this angst. I don’t need it and you sure as hell don’t’

‘Will you stop telling me what I do and don’t want!’ Helen stamps her foot. ‘ If you had actually listened to what I was telling you instead of going off into a little world of your own…’

‘I did not! How can you say that?’

‘Because you plainly didn’t hear me telling you I felt the same way!’

‘Then why the hell aren’t you sleeping?’ He shouts exasperatedly, throwing his hands in the air.

For a moment they stand staring at each other.

Helen snorts. ‘Our first row’ She chews her bottom lip and tries not to laugh.

‘Have I been totally stupid?’ Kester groans.

‘Yes’

‘There is something bothering you though, isn’t there?' He looks at her carefully. 'I’m not wrong on that score. You not sleeping isn’t because you’re lying awake thinking about me, is it? That makes you tired but a happy tired. I know that much’

‘You do?’

‘Yes, I do' he admits with a sheepish smile. 'So?’

‘Can we eat? I’m starving’ Helen tries to walk past him to the oven.

‘No’ Kester puts an arm around her ‘Not until you tell me what’s on your mind’

‘I will do …as soon as we eat…’ She pushes him away with a smile ‘And I’m not letting you argue me out of it. I don’t want you walking out of here with my supper!’

‘I wouldn’t take it with me!’ Kester laughs, glad for the change in mood..

‘There’s always that risk’

‘Am I not going to like what you’re going to say?’

‘You might think it’s me being neurotic again’

‘When did I say you were neurotic?’

‘Never mind’ Helen waves him down. ‘I refuse to get into another argument but you might start to wonder what you’ve let yourself in for’

‘Tell me. Go on…Shall I dish up, or do you need my full attention?’

‘I think I’d rather you listen’ she says, her eyes lowered.

‘Okay. Go for it’

Helen swallows nervously. ‘I do lay awake thinking about you…and what you said…and the way I feel…the way I am’ she begins falteringly.

‘And?’ Kester coaxes as her words come to a stop.

‘How understanding you’ve been…are…’ She pauses again then lifts her head, her cheeks flushed, her mouth quivering slightly. ‘But I can’t give you what I think you want. That’s what I’m getting in a state about! You told me you loved me but I can’t give you anything in return. I can tell you…but I can’t show you…not yet…and that’s wrong. It’s wrong for you. You shouldn’t have to put up with that…me and my hang-ups…me and my paranoia…’

‘Helen, it’s early days…’ Kester says gently.

‘But you said you..’

‘I know…and I do…and that is exactly why I can wait. Don’t you see? You’re not just another girl. You’re special to me. I don’t want to sound patronising but you have made progress haven’t you?’ He asks, dipping his head to look into her eyes. ‘You’re not so nervous around me as you were. That can only get better. We will get there…but in the meantime…it doesn’t matter. Anything worth having is worth waiting for isn’t it? And I’ll wait as long as it takes’

‘And then?’

‘And then, what?’

‘That was my question. What then?’.

‘I don’t understand what you’re asking’

‘When you’ve reached your goal, what then?’ Helen says bluntly

‘My goal? For God’s sake it’s not any sort of ambition!’ Kester growls. ‘It’s something we will get to…naturally…just like any other relationship. It’s not a point scoring exercise! I don’t keep a little book and give marks out of ten and I don’t have a series of check boxes to tick off at every bloody base we get to!’

‘I knew you’d be angry…I’m sorry’ Helen blinks, lowering her head again.

‘I’m not angry’ he refutes sharply.

‘You sound it’

‘Okay…sorry too’ Kester takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. ‘Perhaps I did sound a bit narked…and maybe I am. I don’t know where this relationship is going or how long it’ll go on for. I do know how I feel about you but anything could happen. You could decide I’m not for you after all and that’ll be it. I could decide I want to jack it all in and become a hermit. Who knows? What I do know right now, is that I want to be with you for as far into the future as I can see. Everything else is incidental’

‘It really doesn’t matter?’ Helen asks.

‘Honestly?’

‘Preferably’ she says, folding her arms across her body.

‘Ok…bottom line. Yes it matters but not in the way you think. I’m not naturally a monk…BUT…’ Kester says, holding up one finger. ‘Everything I said is the truth, the honest truth. I can wait. It doesn’t matter for what I’m missing out on but because of what you’re missing...’

‘Well, there’s modesty for you’ Helen scoffs.

‘Nooo!’ Kester allows himself a chuckle. ‘Okay…serious now. Probably got it totally wrong, there isn’t a man on this earth that knows for sure how a woman’s mind works…but how I see it is that you must miss that closeness?’ Tilting his head to one side, he watches her face for some reaction. ‘I’m not just talking about…you know…having sex…bonking…screwing…or whatever term you want to use for it…but about making love, trusting….’ He brushes the side of her hand with his little finger, curling it around hers. ‘Giving yourself to someone else because you know that they are equally committed to you…being loved and enjoying the feeling that gives you…a feeling that lasts…that you can share’ Kester laughs self-consciously and with a gentle shake of her finger, lets go.   Shall we eat now before you send for the men in white coats?’

‘I do’ Helen murmurs sadly.

‘Do?’

‘Miss the closeness’ She looks up and gives him a tremulous smile.

‘Did I get something right?’

‘You got something very right’ she whispers, laying her head against his chest as his arms go around her.