‘Wondered where you were’ Stephanie says, wrapping her arms and the edges of her jacket across her body to ward off the early morning chill and picking her way carefully through the long grass to where Nathan stands at  the end of the lawn. ‘Morning’ she smiles and kisses him on the cheek. ‘What are you doing out here?’

‘Just thinking’ he flicks the end of his cigarette onto an overgrown border and pushes his hands into the pockets of his trousers.

‘About?’

‘That I ought to spend a bit more time sorting this lot out’

‘And you chose now to do it?’

Nathan shrugs but allows himself a fleeting smile at seeing her in his work boots. ‘Good a time as any. I come out here a lot, especially this time of day’

‘The birds haven’t even got up yet’ she shivers involuntarily ‘I’m going back indoors. It’s too flipping cold out here. You coming?’

‘Yeah...okay’

‘Nobody’s forcing you to’ she turns back and gives him a look of patient self-control  ‘It’s just if you were, I’d make a pot of tea now, otherwise I’d either creep back to bed for half an hour or get washed and dressed first’

‘I’ll come in’ he ambles after her taking one hand from his pocket to grip the back of her neck and pull her close enough to kiss on the lips ‘Sorry’ his hand slips to her shoulder, his thumb brushing the side of her cheek .

‘Not sure what you’re apologising for, but accepted’ Stephanie tucks herself under his arm, her hand resting at the back of his waist as they walk back to the cottage. ‘You must have been out here ages, your side of the bed is stone cold’

‘Dunno what time it was when I came out. Still wound up from yesterday, I suppose. Couldn’t get off again, I know that much’

‘Everything worked, didn’t it?’ she lifts her face to smile ‘Brilliantly well! And they’ve got you to thank for it all’ her arm tightens in a squeeze.

‘Not just me’

‘It was you who organised everyone and everything’ she insists, breaking away from him to open the back door ‘there had to be a master plan and you’d got that sorted from the off’ she steps out of the boots.

‘Yeah....well...’ Nathan smiles modestly as he closes the door behind them ‘I’d got a rough idea how I wanted it to be. Did you want something to eat now’ he asks glancing at the clock on the microwave ‘or is it too early? I can make something while you’re in the bathroom if you like’

‘I’d kill for a cuppa but I’m not hungry, thanks’ Stephanie unhooks a mug from under the wall cupboard and fills it from the tap ‘Soooo thirsty’ she says, taking large gulps of the water before swirling the remainder around the mug and tipping it down the sink ‘All that alcohol, I expect. I think I drank more yesterday than I have in the last year!’ she puts the mug down on the worktop next to the teapot.

‘You’ll need something before you go. Not letting you drive if....’

‘Chill! I’m not going anywhere just yet....unless you particularly want me to’

‘You haven’t got to be back?’ Nathan turns his head, his eyebrows raised in enquiry.

‘I think one sip of Communion wine would have me completely blotto’ she grins ‘No, I’ll give it a miss this morning. I’ve already told Dad not to expect me’

‘Oh...right’ he carries on with making the tea.

‘Mind you, I didn’t expect to be up this early’ she says with a rueful grimace, taking Jessie’s posy from the pudding basin on the draining board and carefully fingering the petals into place. ‘So I could still go, I suppose’

‘Not without some breakfast...’ Nathan falters as he sees the expression on her face ‘...inside you’ he finishes in a mumble and swiftly turns away to fetch the milk from the refrigerator. His eyes cloud as he puts milk in the two mugs and gives the pot a stir. ‘That doesn’t necessarily mean anything, you know’ he says without turning around.

‘What?’

‘Catching that thing. Jess did it on purpose, mixing again. She’s a bugger’ he switches on a grin before looking over his shoulder ‘Her life’s ambition I think, to see me married off’

‘What says it has to be you?’ Stephanie holds the posy to her nose, her teasing remark at odds with the twist of her mouth hidden behind the flowers ‘I might have some knight  gallop up on a white charger and whisk me away!’

‘As opposed to me with something vaguely pinkish that doesn’t charge anywhere?’ Nathan puts her mug of tea on the draining board next to her and avoids looking at her directly.

‘Given the choice, I know which one I’d choose’ she says quietly

‘Yeah, I bet’

‘It wouldn’t be the man on a white horse’

Nathan falls silent, taking his cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one as he gazes unblinking out of the window and onto the garden. ‘I’ve seen what it does to people’ he says at last.

‘What?’ Stephanie returns the posy to its makeshift vase.

‘Marriage, what else have you been thinking about ever since....’ he gives the posy a cursory nod. ‘I can’t do it’

‘Is this what you’ve spent half the night thinking about?’

‘Pretty much’

‘And what you were doing out there?’

‘I do my best thinking out there...when it’s still and quiet’

‘So....’ Stephanie swallows hard and hugs herself to hide the tremble of her hands ‘Are you saying....that’s it...we’re over?’

Nathan looks startled as he turns around and colour floods his face. ‘I bloody hope not. I’ve never felt the same way I do about you about anyone’ he blurts then takes a reluctant step back, turning his head away, his shoulders slumping ‘But I just can’t do it...not the marriage thing. I can’t honestly’ he says looking back at her ‘God knows I want to but I saw what it did to my Dad....and the hell Kester’s Dad was put through. I’ve seen other couples get all bitter and twisted before the wedding album’s even had time to gather sodding dust! I don’t want that happening to us’ he draws deeply on his cigarette and goes back to gazing out of the window.

‘Does it have to?’ she moves forward slowly and touches his arm ‘I could name you as many people who are very happy. It doesn’t have to be that way. Kester and Helen are fine....and your friend Andy, him and his wife seem to have got it sussed...and my Mum and Dad have been married nearly thirty-five years and they’re still as nuts about each other as they always were’

‘I just don’t want to take that risk. I don’t want anything to change with us...Well.....apart from the obvious’ he adds with grunt of disgust at himself. ‘I want us to carry on as we are. I’m not ready to make any sort of commitment other than that, I don’t know if I’ll ever be’

‘And that worries you?’ Stephanie asks, turning him to face her.

‘Of course it damned well worries me! You’re everything to me but I just can’t get past this block I’ve got and I can’t expect you to hang around forever waiting’ Nathan drops the end of his cigarette into the sink and turns on the tap just long enough to extinguish it. ’I’ll lose you and it’ll be my fault. It beats me why you’re still hanging round anyway what with all that’s going on...or should I say isn’t’

‘Because I don’t want anyone else’ she puts her arms around his waist and gives him a reassuring hug ‘If that means waiting or never ever getting married, I don’t care much as long as we’re still together’

‘But you’ve been all gooey-eyed since...that thing....’ The posy gets another mistrustful nod ‘You wanted me to ask, I know you did; expected me to take the hint. I don’t know why I didn’t do it, I was drunk enough’ he gives her a lop-sided grin.

‘I definitely wouldn’t have taken you seriously then’ her fingers lace at his back and she returns his smile.

‘But it was on my mind’

‘And has been ever since by the sounds of it. Would it help if I said that I wasn’t over keen either?’

‘Because of.....’ Nathan nods downwards.

‘The vaguely pinkish non-charging charger?’ She laughs and reaches up to kiss away his frown ‘Nooo, forget all that. That’ll get sorted in its own time’ her nose rubs against his as she stares him comically in the eye ‘....But maybe I’m not ready yet?’ she says, letting her feet flat to the floor again and tilting her head as she looks at him ‘I know all I want right now is for you to be happy, really happy, deep down happy. What all the magazines call being happy in your own skin. When that happens’ she gently holds his face between her hands ‘I’ll still be here, standing by because I’m not about to stuff things up by pushing you into something you’re not ready for. I won’t be ready until you are’ she kisses him briefly and lets her hands drift to his shoulders ‘Does that make sense?’

Nathan covers his awkwardness with a grin ‘Bit like getting there at the same time when....you know?’ he winks

‘Well....yes....I suppose so’ Stephanie gurgles with laughter and blushes profusely ‘Except it’s me who’s got to hang on this time’

‘You understand me inside out’ he says, his arms tightening around her ‘God, I love you’ his voice cracks and he buries his face in the side of her neck as he rocks her in an enthusiastic embrace.

‘I can live with that’ she leans away slightly until he stands straight ‘We’re okay, then?’ she prompts his answer by nodding herself and waiting for him to follow suit. ‘And that is just a pretty bunch of flowers’

‘Got you’ he murmurs his eyes half closing as he pulls her to him again.

‘And there’s no hurry so there’s no need for you to feel bad or worry about it, yes?’

‘Right now, I’m not worrying about a thing’ he says hoarsely, his hands sliding to her buttocks, the silky fabric of her nightdress wrinkling under his fingers.

‘Ohhh’ her eyes grow round.

‘Not a bloody thing’ Nathan gives a low chuckle, his eyes crinkling at the corners as a flush rises to his cheeks.

‘Come up and see me sometime’ Stephanie growls

‘Uh huh’ his mouth closes over hers.

‘Oh boy’ she blows the heat from her face as he lifts her from the floor. ‘Shall we...um....go upstairs?’

‘Nuh uh’

Dell Cottage, Washbrook Lane

Chapter Thirty-three