‘Here’ The Reverend Philpott draws his chair closer to where Nathan is sitting and presses a glass into his hand. ‘Get that down you’

Nathan shakes his head ‘No’ he croaks, handing it back ‘I don’t want alcohol’

‘Drink it. It might steady you’

‘I don’t need steadying. I need effing shooting. Jesus!’ he groans, grinding the heels of his hands into his eyes and digging his fingers into his scalp ‘Sorry’ He leans forward with his elbows on his knees and covers his face. ‘I can’t bloody stop!’

Stephanie’s father sets the glass of whiskey on the mantel ‘When was the last time you slept?’

‘Properly?’ Nathan sniffs a long breath ‘Probably the night before it happened’ He uses the sleeve of his shirt to scrub at his puffy face ‘Jeeeze!’ he laughs self-consciously as his cheeks become wet again ‘Sorry’

‘Don’t apologise, there’s no need’

‘I feel such a prat!’

Reverend Philpott leans sideways to be able to reach into his jacket pocket and produces a folded handkerchief  ‘It’s rather grubby, I’m afraid. Not used!’ he assures with a smile as Nathan hesitates over accepting it ‘But has been in there rather a long while. Probably smells of my tobacco’

‘It does’ Nathan returns his smile with a weak, faltering grin. ‘I can’t believe you’re still here after the way I talked to you’ he blows noisily and wipes his upper lip of tears. ‘Confirmed everything you ever thought about me, I suppose’

‘Think I’ll cut you some slack, considering’

‘How did you……..’ the question remains unspoken as Nathan’s head lowers again and his shoulders start to tremble. ‘Oh God’ he groans.

‘He can be of help at times like these’ Reverend Philpott covers Nathan’s hands with his.

‘Don’t preach, please don’t preach, I don’t need it right now’

‘I know’ Reverend Philpott says softly ‘and I’m not about to. We must all come to God in our own time and this perhaps isn’t the right time for you…but he has helped me through many difficult situations and is helping me at this very moment’ 

‘Please’

‘Okay’ his hands squeeze more tightly in brief agreement. ‘Would it help any if I took the collar off and was just Stephanie’s father…her Dad? Would that make it easier for you? I know that much as it can give comfort to some, it can also be a barrier to others…’

‘No…’ Nathan swallows as he shakes his head, looking at him through swollen eyes. ‘Leave it on. I think I need that barrier. I don’t know that I want to…’

‘See the man behind it?’

‘Yeah…’

‘Although it was Stephanie’s father who came to see you’ Reverend Philpott says quietly.

‘I don’t suppose it makes much difference really’ Nathan turns his head away and then looks down ‘I feel a prat whatever’ he says with an embarrassed shrug.

‘Shall we get that out of the way first? I don’t think any the less of you for seeing you like this’

‘That says a lot. You think I’m some sort of lowlife anyway’ his voice is flat and dejected.

‘Oh, yes, of course I do’ the Reverend says with mock disapproval, his hands squeezing again and shaking Nathan’s from side to side in a reassuring gesture ‘that’s why I was happy for you to go out with my daughter’

‘Not then…’ Nathan’s inward breath stutters and his mouth twists in disgust ‘Now. No control…that’s what I had…no control’

Reverend Philpott lifts an arm to Nathan’s shoulder and holds him firmly, waiting until another spasm of trembling passes. ‘There is a man beneath this collar, Nathan, and he is still very much a man and all that might involve. I can understand how it happened, despite what you might think’

‘But you still blame me, right?’ Nathan sits back, squeezing at his nose with the handkerchief, ignoring the persistent trickle of tears from pink-tinged eyes.

‘Is there blame in all this?’

‘There has to be’

‘But I’m not sure it should lie at your door’

‘But it was me! It was me who lost control, it was me who did it, it was me who…….let it happen’

Reverend Philpott clears his throat, grimacing and puffing his cheeks in indecision as he hesitates over what he is to say next. He reaches into his breast pocket for his pipe. ‘Have you ever been to a stud farm, Nathan?’ he asks with contrived nonchalance.

‘You what?’ Nathan blinks in surprise and eyes him with a wary smile as he wipes his nose again.

‘No, really, it does have some relevance’ The Reverend lifts a hand to rub his brow. ‘Sorry, I think I’m finding this almost as awkward as you to talk about….but when a mare is covered by a stallion…’

‘Now that’s an analogy I can live with’ Nathan snorts an automatic response from behind the handkerchief then grimaces, hunching his shoulders in apology. ‘Sorry’

‘No, that’s fine…’ Reverend Philpott’s eyes light at getting a spark of humour from Nathan. He reaches the glass from the mantel ‘But if you’re not going to have this, I think I will!’ He grins and tosses the whiskey back, screwing up his eyes and letting out a noisy gasp as the spirit hits the back of his throat. He coughs once more, his eyes watering ‘Mmm..yes…good stuff….Anyway…When a mare is covered by a stallion, they don’t just put the pair of them in a field and hope for the best’ he says, setting the glass down and wiping the corners of his mouth with his finger and thumb. ‘The stallion is first…..’ he looks faintly embarrassed ‘…Aroused by another mare…so that when he comes to the brood mare… he is….ready’ He clamps the stem of his pipe between his teeth, sighs and removes it to put it back into his pocket again. ‘What I am trying to say is that…’

‘I was ready?’

‘Well…yes…’ he nods gratefully ‘….and rather like that stallion, there would be no turning back. I don’t see that as your fault…do you? More the fault of the second mare that took advantage of what the first mare had brought about…..if you get my meaning. You were taken advantage of, Nathan. You know that and I know that now. I have had my suspicions confirmed’

Nathan’s face crumples again ‘Shit!’ His tear-filled eyes look heavenwards. ‘What the hell’s the matter with me?’ his lips part in a rictus grin.

‘The longer you try to hold all that grief in, the longer it will take to pass’ Reverend Philpott says as he searches his pockets for another handkerchief ‘….and you are grieving, Nathan’

‘For Steph?’ Nathan croaks, taking deeps breaths and trying to control the hiccoughing sobs that are wracking his body. ‘Jesus!’ he slaps his own face ‘Get a grip!’

‘Don’t try and stop it’ the Reverend advises, leaning forward to pat his arm. ‘Partly…’ he answers Nathan’s question, his hand squeezing gently against his sleeve. ‘But mainly for yourself and the man you saw yourself to be. When we believe ourselves to be strong in all things and something comes along which destroys that image, it goes deeper than the initial emotion…’

‘I was angry…’ Nathan grunts ‘so bloody angry!’

‘I sensed that. And I think you have used that anger to hide what you are really feeling. Anger is acceptable…or should I say more acceptable in a man. There’s no loss of face’

‘When will it stop?’

‘The anger?’

‘No…this!’ Nathan jabs a finger towards his chest as it heaves in another involuntary sob.

‘When it’s ready’ Reverend Philpott chuckles softly.

‘How long’s a piece of string, huh?’

‘That just about covers it’

Nathan draws a deep breath through his nose and lets it out in a long whistled sigh from his mouth. He wipes a hand over his face. ‘So….what made you think…what gave you the idea…’

‘That there was more to the circumstances than met the eye?’ Reverend Philpott raises an eyebrow ‘I suppose initially it was the feeling that you weren’t being totally honest’ he reaches for his pipe again as Nathan reaches for his cigarettes ‘I couldn’t put my finger on one particular thing and say it was a lie, but I did feel there was an evasion of the truth, a holding back. There was a tightness about you I couldn’t understand…I let it pass. The situation was fraught enough to say the least and I don’t think either of us wanted for Stephanie to be any more upset than she was. You said that yourself’

‘I hurt her badly’ Nathan says on a plume of exhaled smoke, pushing a hand down hard on a jumping knee and stretching his back straight.

‘And it hurt…or should I say saddened me to think that I could be so wrong about you’ the stem of the pipe points to add weight to the explanation ‘that was another thing that didn’t sit comfortably. I pride myself in being able to read people and I didn’t want to believe I’d been that mistaken and you would treat my daughter in such a cavalier fashion’ Stephanie’s father glances down, concentrating on filling his pipe as he speaks ‘I expected fidelity. In fact, I had convinced myself of it but there it was’ he looks up ‘The bald fact that you had been unfaithful’

‘A leopard and its spots?’ Nathan takes another pull from his cigarette and leans forward with his hands clasped loosely between his knees.

‘No, not that, I can’t say I knew a lot about any previous relationships…only that the one with my daughter seemed unshakeable…but there it was. I had to accept it, much as she had to. I had to harden myself to the fact that I was wrong and not so clever after all’ A match strikes ‘Complacency must be the eighth deadly sin’ Reverend Philpott says and sucks repeatedly, waving away the resultant cloud of smoke as he shakes out the match.

‘So it was just a guess?’ Nathan’s eyes close and his head tips back, his mouth opening in a silent groan.

‘Leonie is a great champion of yours’ The Reverend chuckles at Nathan’s expression.

‘She’s a good mate’

‘And you have been very good to her, I understand’

‘Did what I could. She was having a rough time’ Nathan shrugs modestly.

‘And she repaid you …in spades…is that what the current expression is? She was adamant that the last person you would have been unfaithful with was this young lady and managed to convince Stephanie that, for whatever reason, you had misled her or had been misled yourself. As I said’ the pipe is taken from his mouth and used as a pointer once more ‘I was told of Leonie’s refusal to believe what she was hearing and there was something in what Stephanie said afterwards that at least fashioned another piece of the jigsaw even if I was unable to place it’

‘Which was?’

‘When Leonie alleged the pregnancy could not have happened, I’m afraid Stephanie retaliated by saying whether the young lady was pregnant or not, you had to have done something to believe she might be. She was still very raw at that point’ Stephanie’s father justifies her anger. ‘By the time she relayed the whole conversation to me, she was hoping desperately to argue any excuse for what you had done. I was rather more circumspect…..but….if you’ve ever argued with Stephanie…’

‘No…not really’ Nathan smiles and wipes a stray tear from the outer edge of his eye.

‘You will’ Reverend Philpott gives a short laugh. ‘She has a way of leaving you with a sense, although you may be in the right, you are in the wrong. She supposed, very defensively, that I was about to say nobody made you do it and that set the old cogs working again’ he touches a finger to his temple ‘It was just possible that you’d found yourself in that sort of situation. I didn’t want to believe you’d gone looking for sex any more than she did. I had to give you the chance to explain yourself, one that I hadn’t afforded you the day you came to see Stephanie. I didn’t for one minute suppose it had gone as far as…rape…but when you used that word, it seemed…odd. Then all the pieces…. fell into place’ He settles back in the chair, threading his fingers together over his stomach, a satisfied smile stretching either side of the stem of his pipe.

‘I didn’t see it as that…’ Nathan lowers his eyes ‘I thought I…I should’ve controlled myself. It was Helen who said…’

‘The young lady’s sister, who works with Stephanie?’ The Reverend hums thoughtfully  ‘Ah…yes….I understand it came as a great shock to her too’

‘Even more of a shock when Blythe boasted about…how…it happened, it was Helen who made me see that rape was what it amounted to. I wasn’t a willing partner…please believe that. She’ll tell you if you wanted…Helen will, she said she w….’

‘I believe you, Nathan’

‘You do?’ Fresh tears course down Nathan’s cheeks and he starts to laugh ‘You really do?’

‘I do…Question is…where do we go from here? A good night’s sleep, I think….before you see Stephanie?’

Nathan covers his face with shaking hands. ‘Oh God’

Dell Cottage, Washbrook Lane

Chapter Twenty-eight