‘Nathan! You really shouldn’t be…’
‘I’m fine, honestly’ He works his way along the hall and into the kitchen where Helen is sitting.
‘Would you like some coffee?’ Helen asks, closing her magazine and standing up.
‘Kester about?’ Nathan looks faintly embarrassed, unable to meet her eyes. ‘I think perhaps I’d better….try and talk this out. Sorry for earlier’
‘No need to apologise’ Helen pushes her hair behind her ear ‘He’s out on a call…but…I’m here’
‘Thanks but no thanks’ he clears his throat uncomfortably. ‘I can’t, sorry’ he mumbles, his eyes still downcast as he sits at the table. ‘You’re too close, you’re …’
‘A woman?’
‘Yeah, if you like’
‘But I do know what you are going through’ Helen says casually, crossing the kitchen to bring the coffee jug and another mug to the table. ‘And that was what I wanted you to understand earlier. I wouldn’t presume to judge you, only identify with what happened to you’
‘Sorry, no…I can’t’ Nathan holds the handle and watches the stream of coffee pour into his mug ‘Thanks’
‘I can listen’ she tops up her own mug and stands with the jug in her hand ‘ I needn’t comment at all. I can be doing something else…’ she offers, sighing inwardly at Nathan’s closed expression and walking back to replace the jug on the hob. Her hands rest on the edge of the worktop and she spends a few minutes looking out of the window as she tries to decide what, if anything, to say next.
‘I enjoyed it!’ Nathan bursts out with a cross between a strangled laugh and a sob ‘I sodding well enjoyed it’
‘Did you?’ Helen says quietly, not daring to move.
‘No…’ he chokes, resting his head in his hands ‘Not when I realised it wasn’t…’
‘Stephanie?’
‘If I hadn’t….’
‘Rule number one, none of this was your fault’ she whispers, taking a step towards him.
‘But if I hadn’t been so bloody arrogant, telling Steph we should wait…’ his words come tumbling out ‘I ask you! What was I doing? If I hadn’t done that…then I wouldn’t have had it on my mind. I wouldn’t have….’ he stops suddenly and groans into his hands, rubbing them down his face, ‘It’s no good, you wouldn’t understand. I need to talk to Kester’
‘You wouldn’t have reached a point of no return before you realised what was happening?’ she reaches his side.
‘Helen, I can’t talk to you…’ he shakes his head ‘Sorry but that’s the way it is. This whole thing is…’
‘Humiliating’
‘Very, very embarrassing’ Nathan looks at her finally, the tops of his cheeks stained with colour. He gives her a feeble smile. ‘Okay?’
‘Perhaps you’re right’ she returns his smile and sits at the end of the table. ‘It’s no good me trying to persuade you otherwise’ she says, taking a sip of her coffee. ‘You’re ready to talk, that the first hurdle over with. You want me to ring him and get him to come back here rather than go back to the office?’
‘No…it’ll keep’ Nathan’s eyelashes sweep downwards as he gulps from his mug ‘Think I’ve taken up more of your time than enough. I’d best get home…what home there is left’ he mutters, setting the mug down and rolling it between his hands.
‘There’s no rush. You’re more than welcome to stay as long as you like’
‘I’ve got a little housework to do’ he gives a single cough of ironic laughter.
‘No, actually, you haven’t’ Helen assures him ‘You have next to nothing in the way of furniture in your living room’ she says with a grim smile ‘but it’s all been cleared’
‘How…who?’ he frowns, confused.
‘Daniel. God knows where he got them from but he had a team of people in there this morning. It was all done in a little over an hour’
‘He…he doesn’t know…about Blythe supposedly being pregnant, does he?’
‘God, no! That was between us’ Helen finishes her coffee and takes her mug to the dishwasher. ‘But he was concerned over your break up’ she says as she returns. ‘He thought it was down to him and the advice he gave you and had come to apologise. As far as he is concerned, you were back from your holiday hoping to make up with her but it didn’t happen. That is why you lost your temper’
Nathan huffs a grin ‘A master of understatement or should that be mistress?’ His mouth sets in a hard line and he looks down ‘I can’t remember the last time I lost it like that’
‘You can’t remember that one either’
‘No…not all of it’ he exhales noisily before lifting his eyes again. ‘Don’t hate her, Helen’
Helen’s eyes cloud and she does not reply immediately. ‘Hate is a word I don’t like to use but I am disgusted and very disappointed in her. I can’t bring myself to excuse her actions in any way whatsoever’ She chews her lip and lapses into silence again ‘She hurt me with her attitude too’ she says in little above a whisper. ‘It was me who mentioned the word rape and she laughed. Not just because I termed what happened between you and her that way but…I felt she was sniggering at me too and what….I went through. It hurt an awful lot’
‘I’m sorry’
She swallows and smiles resolutely as she draws his empty mug towards her. ‘No, that’s fine. I have Kester to listen to me. I’m in safe hands now; I can cope with these little setbacks’
Nathan sniffs and clears his throat, his fingers picking distractedly at the knee of his jeans ‘Is that what…..is that what you’d really call it….’ his voice wavers ‘I can’t bring myself to say it’
‘You were raped, Nathan’ Helen stills his hand, talking softly.
‘No’ he lowers his head further to his chest, shaking it from side to side ‘No’ he says sceptically ‘No’ he repeats, lifting his chin ‘I can’t have been’
‘Sorry, but yes, that’s what it amounted to. This is what I’ve been trying to say all along. This is why I said I could understand how you are feeling’
‘I…I was listening…but guess I didn’t hear you’
‘Is this where I make a joke about that being typical of a man?’
‘Joking would be good right now’ he grimaces and sighs ‘I don’t know how I feel…apart from being totally gutted about Steph. It needn’t have happened, that’s the thing. If it hadn’t been for Blythe saying she was pregnant, we’d probably still be together’
‘And what actually happened would never have come to light?’
‘Probably not…although…. I think I’d probably have had to confess that…’
‘You had sex?’
‘Yeah…’ Nathan admits with an embarrassed blink, still relatively uncomfortable with talking to her ‘I don’t think I could’ve let her go on believing that…’
‘But you’ll let her go on believing it was consensual sex!’ Helen interrupts with exasperated irritation. She apologises immediately and lowers her voice. ‘Sorry but she thinks you went with Blythe because that’s just what you fancied doing, and yes, that the only reason she got to find out was that Blythe was pregnant. Can’t you see how much that would hurt?’
‘I do know that’ his mouth works and he blinks rapidly ‘You don’t think I do?’
‘But it’s all so unnecessary! You would rather her think that about you than tell her the truth?’
‘She would never have believed me then and she damned well won’t believe me now’ he covers his emotion with a display of annoyance ‘God! I don’t even believe it myself!’
‘Believe it, Nathan. You have to. Until you recognise it for what it was and stop denying the way you are feeling, there is no way on God’s earth you are ever going to get over it’ Helen takes his hand ‘I know that too’ she says quietly. ‘I don’t want you to be like me. I don’t want you to have to wait for someone like Kester to come along to help you through it. We’re here now and we understand’
Nathan’s shoulders start to shake and his knees jump. Helen tightens her grip on his hand and strokes his hair until the sobbing stops. ‘I felt…still feel…used…’ he admits in a choking whisper ‘I had no control over what was happening to me. I’ve never felt….so helpless, ever’ He wipes his nose on the back of his hand and gives her a watery smile of thanks ‘I was angry. God! I was so bloody angry I felt sick…sick to the pit of my stomach that someone could do that to me but most of all I was…still am I guess, disgusted with myself’ he sniffs and rubs the arm of his sweatshirt over his eyes and cheeks. ‘You’re nodding’
‘Yes, yes I am’
‘Then it all seemed a bit of a joke…a bad joke’ He lowers his head again, a finger tracing a path on the back of her hand as he struggles with the words. ‘Kester would understand…you know…Blokes tend to boast…mate-to-mate…you know…But that…’ he shakes his head ‘that wasn’t something I felt I wanted to brag about’ His indrawn breath stutters. ‘I don’t know why. Most blokes would think it was…Any other time I would’ve found the idea of it…’ he gives an self-conscious laugh, suddenly embarrassed again. ‘Anyway… After a couple of days, it didn’t seem real’ He pauses to look up ‘I know it wasn’t the same for you…at least…I was going to say….at least..’
‘You have no lasting scars?’ Helen provides with a rise of her eyebrows.
‘No…sorry…no… God!’ Nathan groans ‘Well, sort of…It wasn’t a violent attack. There was no knife at my throat and my body wasn’t….’
‘Invaded?’ she provides again as he stammers to a halt.
‘Thanks…’ he blows the warmth from his face ‘You get my drift…’ he nods and watches his thumbs circle and spread her knuckles as he holds her hand between his ‘I even saw her a couple of times afterwards’ he admits gruffly without looking up. ‘Not on my own, just around…and it was like it never happened’ Dipping his head further, he is silent for a few moments, his thumbs still circling. He sits back abruptly, hissing with disgust ‘But then I’d lie in bed later that night and I’d squirm…yeah, that’s the word. Squirm at what had gone on and I’d hate myself for having let it happen! I’d lie there and my guts would be churning and I’d burn up. That make any sense to you cos it sure as hell doesn’t to me’
‘It makes perfect sense’ she tries to soothe his anger ‘Nathan…you have to tell Stephanie’
‘No! No way…I couldn’t. It’s too bloody late now, anyway’
‘But you love her, I know you do’
‘You don’t know just how much. I thought I’d got it all sussed, my life mapped out from now on…until…’ he lets out a long moan and bangs a frustrated fist on the table. ‘No…it’s better this way’
‘No, it is not!’
‘I could kill Blythe for what she’s done. I would’ve killed her there and then if I’d known the stunt she was going to pull. I’m glad it was you come told me. If it had been her, God knows what might have happened. I’d probably be banged up…but Steph can’t know any of this’
‘Why on earth not?’
‘I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone the way I love her but no…I’m not ready to make myself look that much of a fool’
‘Na-than!’ Helen groans.
‘No. That’s what I was’ he shrugs off her vexation ‘For Christ’s sake, I knew what Blythe was like; she looked on me as some sort of prospective fuck-buddy!’ He looks shamefaced at his outburst. ‘Sorry, I don’t suppose you needed to hear that….’
‘Oh, I’m quite aware of her proclivities’ Helen dismisses on a sigh.
‘I knew that and I still let her stay in my house! I asked for it’
‘No, Nathan, no one ever asks to be abused in that way’
‘And now she’s made an even bigger fool of me’ he laughs thinly.
‘In revenge for you having objected to being raped’
‘Revenge?’
‘Her word’
‘She won’t know the meaning of the bloody word if ever I get hold of her’ Nathan growls.
‘You would do better to retaliate by trying to make things right with Stephanie’ Helen shakes his hand as he opens his mouth to object ‘Oh, I know how much pride that will cost you but it would be one in the eye for Blythe. I’ve no doubt that’s what she intended all along, to split you two up; the ultimate revenge in her eyes. It would be good to see her little scheme backfire’
Nathan swallows, his eyes meeting hers in a plea for continued understanding ‘I don’t think I….could relive it…not just yet’
‘No’ she smiles gently ‘I know what you mean. Leave it for now but if ever that’s the road you decide to go down, I could confirm your explanation, I would corroborate it one hundred percent if Stephanie needs me to. In the meanwhile, you can always talk to Kester or me. We all know the result of you bottling things up, we saw that only too clearly last night. You can’t afford…’
‘A new lot of furniture every couple of weeks?’ he jokes half-heartedly.
‘I was going to say ‘afford to ignore the need to talk things out’ but yes…that must come into it’
Nathan heaves a deep sigh, bringing any talk of Blythe firmly to a close. ‘I suppose I’d better get on and sort that, at least get something to sit on. Second hand will do until I make up my mind what I want.’
‘You’re surely not thinking of driving?’ Helen protests, looking down at his feet.
‘They’re not too bad. Thick socks and me work boots, they’ll be fine. I’ve got to get back. I can’t let myself brood on it. Life goes on as they say’
‘You need a hug?’
Nathan nods dumbly.
Tawny House, Manor Road
The Annexe
Chapter Twenty-seven
